


In the office

by mittamoo



Category: Emmerdale
Genre: Gen, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Therapy, talking about them feelings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-14
Updated: 2017-04-14
Packaged: 2018-10-18 15:41:14
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,037
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10619988
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mittamoo/pseuds/mittamoo
Summary: In the end in all comes pouring out in that little office, all the feelings that she's been trying to keep hidden, flowing out of her mouth and pooling like a poison before her.Liv Talks





	

**Author's Note:**

> This is something that did't really have a place in my other fic but I wanted to write it, whoops

“I hate him”

The words are out before she really knows what to do with them. They hang heavy in the small room, the silence is heavy and she knows she’s thrown the CAMHS counsellor by her unprompted admission. This was her third session and this was the first time she’d said anything entirely unprompted by the counsellor. She’d been on the waiting list for months and months, referred by the school nurse a little while after her dad’s- Gordon’s death. The waiting list was so long, but now she was here she usually had no idea what to say.

“Do you want to elaborate on that for me?” The counsellor, Rachel was older and mild mannered. Liv didn’t like her much. “Who do you hate?”

That was the question though, wasn’t it? She knew what the answer was supposed to be, knew exactly who she was supposed to hate. She pauses because of that, wishes that she could take the words back into her mouth and swallow them back down. The silence in the room has become more than a little bit uncomfortable, Rachel’s question hanging heavy in the air. Liv straightens her back and steadies herself with a breath. _It’s now or never_.

“My brother, Aaron” her words falter, she can see the slight quirk in the older women’s eyebrows. _Bet you weren’t expecting that, stupid cow._ “I love him, I know he loves me too but sometimes I just hate him so much”

“Do you know why you feel like that?”

“Yes,”

She knows she’s meant to keep talking, try and explain her thoughts to Rachel. She doesn’t want to. Doesn’t want to drag up her messed up feelings out into the open, sour and vile. She shouldn’t feel this way because it’s nasty and selfish, everything her mum said she is in their worst moments together.

“I hate him because he didn’t keep his mouth shut” she looks away to the wall behind Rachel “I hate him for not keeping quiet about our dad, how sick is that?”

“It must have been hard for you, having to hear all of those things about your own father”

“I just think sometimes, why did he have to say anything? It had already happened, why he couldn’t have just left it alone. Why did he have to come and tear away everything I’d ever thought about my dad? I used to think that my dad would take me away from my mum and that everything would have been perfect, that he would have, just loved me, no expectations, no drinking or fear. Just me and my dad.”

“And then suddenly you didn’t have that” She’s grateful that Rachel finished her line of thinking for her, gave her a little extra time to collect herself before she had to continue the confession

“I didn’t believe him at first, called him a liar, and scratched it on his car. I don’t know. Sometimes I can’t help but think that what if he hadn’t said anything. I’d still be living with my mum, still wouldn’t be able to see my dad but I’d still have the good thoughts of him. He wouldn’t have gone to prison, _wouldn’t of died_.”

She’s crying now, the tears burning lines down her face. It doesn’t feel good to let go of all of this, but it’s better than before. For the first time she’s glad that she’s seeing Rachel. Can’t imagine unloading this onto Aaron or Chas, Wouldn’t have been able to watch the guilt and anger respectively bloom over their faces. With a stranger it’s different.

“I know what would have happened if he hadn’t said anything and I still feel like that. I’m awful”

“Feelings are difficult, especially in cases like these, you shouldn’t feel guilty for having them”

“They don’t ever talk about it, don’t want me to know but I’m not stupid. He’d put himself in hospital because he wouldn’t talk about it. So really it would be a trade for having my brother in my life and a dead, pedo dad to having an absent, pedo dad, because he would be one even if it had never come out, and a dead brother. But still I sometimes think about making that trade because sometimes _I just want a dad_ ” Her voice becomes small at the end of the speech and it makes her feel like a kid, she hasn’t felt like a kid in a very long time.

She thinks she’s probably talked herself out about this issue now, doesn’t think she has much left worth saying about it. Liv half regrets saying it because now it’s something real that she has to work through and deal with instead of pretending that she never feeling like that.

“I don’t feel like that all the time” she blurts out, struck with a need to defend herself “I know what my dad is, I hate him too…”

“But he was your dad” she sounds caring, not vaguely irritated with her like the sessions before “have you thought about talking to Aaron about this?”

“No,” and for once her voice sounds as firm as her opinion on the matter “I don’t want to talk about this anymore” Because apparently she can say that and Rachel will just leave it.]

Eventually her session is over, so she walks out to find Aaron sat waiting for her, facing away from her and the door. Smiling a little at the sight of her brother hunched over his phone like a teenager, she walks up behind him and swipes her hand over the letters on his game of Word Cookies.

“That wasn’t even a real word”

“It’s welsh” she says, like she isn’t holding back a laugh at the almost scandalised look on his face.

As they’re walking out of the big building and over the Aaron’s car to drive home. It’s when they’re sat in the car that she think of something though.

“You know we’re really close to maccies right now, plus it’s nearly lunch time,”

“Piss off!” he says with a laugh “I’m just a skint as you are!” It’s just empty words Liv thinks as he pulls into the drive-through anyway.

**Author's Note:**

> CAMHS is Childhood and Adolescence Mental Health Services, which is funded/ run by the NHS, this is written with my own experiences with them in mind


End file.
